Dear Boris
Hope that all is well, and that the ‘oven ready’ trade deal and the ‘world-beating’ test-and-trace system are both in good shape.
Anyway, I thought this might interest you. Sometime in the 2nd Century AD, an imaginative Indian invented a moral board game for children; it was called Moksha Patam, and consisted of a decorated board with 100 squares on it, populated by a series of randomly spaced snakes and ladders. There were always more of the former than the latter, to remind children that the path of goodness was going to be hard. The rest is history which, being a historian, you probably know well.
In these troubled times, and in preparation for a Christmas that is sure to be quieter than normal, I dare to launch my own version for two players, with two unique differences: first, there are no ladders, and secondly, each player starts at the opposite end of the board. You kind of inspired it, so I thought that I would run it by you.
Until I think of a better name, I have called it ‘Cakes and Daggers’, and the rules are as follows:
The game consists of two players, the Citizen (who starts on square 1) and the Boris (who starts on square 100). The sole aim of the game is for the Citizen to get the Boris down to, and beyond, Square 1, known as ‘out of office’, before the Citizen reaches Square 100.
The Boris is a cheerfully-decorated inert piece, in that its player doesn’t ever shake the dice. Instead, its movements are entirely governed by whichever squares the Citizen lands on. Also, at the end of each turn it automatically goes back up 5 squares.
On 15 of the 100 squares, are the top ends of snakes of various lengths, and when the Citizen lands on these, the Boris piece has to move the indicated number of spaces downwards, but from where they currently are.
Some of these snakes are very small. Square 23 for example, (‘Boris says something childish or embarrassing at a press conference’) only pushes the Boris piece down a few places. Some are middling, like 45 (‘Boris fails to declare earnings in register of interests’). Some are rather bigger: Square 71 (‘Boris pushes Amazon share price through the roof by closing all independent retailers ’) goes down 20 places, as does Square 50 (’Boris accidentally insults someone that he is about to have to negotiate with’) and Square 38 (‘Boris endangers British woman in Iran jail by saying wrong thing’). The half way point, Square 50, offers a 15 space drop as ‘Boris appears to have wasted millions on giving PPE contracts to friends, party donors and Spanish singers’.
As the game develops, and as the Citizen heads towards the top end of the board, the tension increases, as there are two giant snakes that each go down 75 spaces: 89 (‘Boris refuses to sack Priti Patel for bullying, ironically during the same week as National no-Bullying day’), and 91 (‘Boris publicly prepares to break international law’).
Shamelessly stealing from other games, I have included two ‘Blame’ wildcards that, if triggered by the Boris (the only non-inert thing the piece can do during the game), will bump him back up 20 spaces. One is ‘Blame the scientists’ and one is ‘Sack Dominic Cummings’, both of which can only be triggered at the very end, beyond Square 10 (remember, the Boris is going downwards.)
Actually, the other thing that the Boris can do in extremis when it is below Square 10 is invoke the ‘vacuous announcement convention’, by which he distracts attention from the snake predicament by making popular policy announcements and expenditure plans that have got nothing to do with the game in question.
The end comes when the Boris has reached the last six squares, and the Citizen throws the exact number to eject him from the board.
My friend, Trevor, is building a prototype set, so that he and I can play together after lockdown. Sorry, after the ‘current measures’ are over. I cannot recommend it highly enough.
Meanwhile, I wish you and your family a happy, healthy and peaceful Christmas.
The Citizen Piece
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