Day 90: Psalm 151 Percuniam Pro Hominibus
And on the ninetieth day, I walked out into the sand of the shadow of the Valley of Death, and I did wail, and God did hear me.
‘Hast thou come to see a reed shaken by the wind?’ he asked, but I replied that it had more to do with banks, and trying to borrow money off them to get though this virus thing. On saying the word ‘banks’, I smote my breast and other dramatic stuff like that.
‘Wherein lies the problem?’ asked God, who had something of a classical turn of phrase. ‘Why smitest thou thy breast in that dramatic way?’
‘They won’t lend me any,’ said I, who didn’t. ‘Without directors’ guarantees, which I can’t give. And endless paperwork, which I don’t have the time to do. And the patience of Job, who I don’t know. And the fact that the Chancellor has guaranteed 80% of it.’
And the Lord sighed, and said in his frustration: ‘Have you learned nothing? Who is thine bank?’ And I told him.
‘Have you any idea,’ the Lord said, suddenly becoming conversational. ‘What they have gone through in the last ten years?’ The wind shivered through the desert foliage and I admitted that I hadn’t.
‘Verily, even so far back as 2008, and that refinancing package of £3 billion from Qatar that stopped them having to be nationalised. And that painful court case.’
I pointed out unto the Lord that this wasn’t exactly my problem, but he went on. ‘And that £72 million fine for poor handling of financial risks back in 2015. How much gnashing of teeth did that cause?’
I demurred, until he told me that the question was purely rhetorical ‘And the 210 million euros for running illegal information chat rooms last year. And the £284 million pound fine, again in 2015, for manipulating Foreign exchanges’. I spake to the Lord and told him that he seemed to have a pretty good handle on financial stuff.
He ignored the flattery. ‘And the £38 million fine in 2014 for failing to protect client’s custody assets. And the £11 billion to date that they have had to pay for mis-selling pension protection insurance. And the £21 million fine for currency rigging in 2019. And the £7.7 million fine in 2011 for investment advice failures’
‘And thou,’ he said returning to the classical, ‘thou chastiseth them for wanting a director’s guarantee for an humble loan of £250 thousand to keep your tiny business afloat. You should be ashamed of yourself.’
And I looked up and I saw the clouds part, and I knew that this was a God who was all-knowing, and all-loving.
And I knew in a flash of light that the endless men in suits saying: ‘I would if I could, but I’ll have to run it past the credit team’, and the ceaseless versions of ‘computer says no’ were all my fault, and that I had no right to expect salvation from that direction. And I thanked the Lord that this bank was still in business after all these terrible things had happened to them.
And thus I walked reflectively back into the desert, thinking of my own grievous sins, until I heard a powerful ‘Ahem’ from behind.
‘Yes, Lord?’ I asked, for I was sore afraid.
‘I was being sarcastic,’ he said.
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